


My Mess

by MerlinSpecter



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 19:40:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12800964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerlinSpecter/pseuds/MerlinSpecter
Summary: "Kimi, his Kimi, was back, but that only made everything so much more complicated. No matter what he was trying to make himself believe, he still very much loved Kimi, even after all this time apart."Or, the one where Kimi comes back to Formula 1 after not speaking to Sebastian for a year, and they both struggle seeing each other again





	My Mess

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo another idea that wouldn't leave my mind and had to be writen down...
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this, and don't forget to check out my other F1 fics :)
> 
> Cheers!

Kimi was coming back to Formula 1. No one had actually told Seb, but of course he had found out via social media. He wasn’t sure how to feel. He and Kimi had once been good friends, but from the moment Kimi had told Sebastian that he was leaving Formula 1, the Finn had started to distance himself from his German teammate. Much to Sebastian despair, who kept trying desperately to hold on. 

The first year after Kimi left, Sebastian had at least succeeded at meeting him briefly a couple of times, but it had been different from what he was used to with Kimi. Their friendship might have been unlikely in a way, but it had worked. Kimi had accepted and opened up to Sebastian, much to everyone’s surprise. But now, Kimi was even more closed off than what he had ever been.

Every time Sebastian saw Kimi, Kimi was distant and it was very clear to Seb that he was hiding something. Then the second season of Formula 1 without Kimi started for Seb and he had eventually given up on trying to stay in contact with the Finn. Kimi had even started to ignore his occasional calls and texts and Sebastian didn’t know what else to do. The only contact he had had with him the last year was a short congratulatory text after he had won the title, but now it was Sebastian’s turn not to respond. 

It pained him greatly that apparently Kimi had not cared that much about their friendship as he had and had seemed happy to move on. For Seb, this was different. His racing career was on a high, but he missed having Kimi around on the grid. He didn’t really have that kind of friendship he had had with Kimi with any other of the drivers and Sebastian often felt lonely.

Besides the friendship, there was another reason why Kimi’s rejection had hurt Seb so much. Over the time he had known Kimi, he had started to see Kimi as more than just a friend, but it wasn’t until Kimi left that Seb had realised he had fallen in love with him. That had only made it harder when Kimi had pushed him away, leaving Sebastian heartbroken. Not that that would have been better if Kimi hadn’t left, as Seb was sure Kimi didn’t feel the same way about him.

But now Kimi was coming back. Sebastian didn’t know what he would do if he saw Kimi again, but he feared his emotions might get the best of him. Whether that would mean he would punch Kimi, cry, kiss him, he wasn’t sure of yet. He almost feared seeing Kimi and was hoping to delay it as much as he could. Naturally, that didn’t go quite as planned.

It was the first big press event of the season and Sebastian was all smiles, happy he was returning to what he loved to do most: racing. He shortly talked to some of the drivers and did some interviews, everyone curious to now how the champion was going to defend his title. Then, after walking away from the bar with a drink in his hand, he saw Kimi. 

The Finn hadn’t changed much since Sebastian last saw him, still wearing the same frown and eyes still hidden behind dark sunglasses. Sebastian had to ignore the urge to run to Kimi and hug him, then the urge to run to him and punch him. Kimi had been talking to someone Sebastian only half-recognised but had turned to Seb when he felt his eyes on him. Sebastian felt as if he couldn’t breathe, his grip on his drink tightening. For a moment it looked like Kimi was going to come over to him and Sebastian panicked. Leaving his drink on one of the tables, he rushed out of the building.

He chose to walk back to his hotel. It was quite a long walk, but he could use the time to think. He wasn’t certain how he was going to survive this season, even the rest of his career, if he would keep reacting like this when he saw Kimi. He felt overwhelmed and against his own better judgement, he decided to have a drink in the hotel bar.

He was nursing his third drink of the evening when Kimi came into the bar, eyes immediately locking with Sebastian’s. The German driver knew it was too late to leave now, but still looked around for a possible escape route. 

Kimi sat down next to him without saying a word to Seb, but ordered a vodka for himself. They sat in silence for a long time and Seb knew Kimi would never be the first to say something, but also knew that if he was the one to start talking, he would be unable to stop his emotions from showing. Nevertheless, the silence started to weigh on Seb and finally he spoke up.

“Why… How… How could you” he finally managed to spit out, tears already filling his eyes. Kimi turned to watch him, but since he was still wearing his sunglasses, Seb couldn’t be too sure as to what he was thinking.

“I’m sorry.” Kimi said calmly. Seb felt as if he was going to explode. The Finn had ignored him for a year and he thought he could get away with a simple sorry?  
Not wanting to make a scene in the still quite full bar, Seb had to breath in deeply to not do anything he might regret later. So, with a last glance at his former friend, he stormed off towards his room. 

He had barely closed the door to his room behind him when he started crying. The last few months it had almost seemed to him that he had forgotten about Kimi, but seeing him hear had unleashed all the emotions he had so carefully pushed away.

He fell to his knees as harsh sobs wrecked his body. He clawed at his face and hair. 

Kimi, his Kimi, was back, but that only made everything so much more complicated. No matter what he was trying to make himself believe, he still very much loved Kimi, even after all this time apart. 

Seb heard the door open and close and looked up. Kimi stood only a couple of metres away from him, still wearing his sunglasses. He nearly snarled when Kimi came closer, stopping Kimi dead in his tracks. 

“Get. Out.” He choked out, shakily getting up so he could look straight at Kimi. The Finn seemed to flinch ever so slightly at his tone, but took another step in his direction. This set Seb off. With an outraged cry, he flung himself to Kimi, ripping the sunglasses of the man’s face and dumping them on the ground. With tears still streaming down his face, Seb started punching Kimi’s chest and stomach.

“You have no right to be here! Y-you left, ignored me…” Seb yelled. Kimi was quick to catch his flaying arms and pulled a struggling Seb to his chest. Kimi’s grip was tight and having Kimi’s arms around him finally broke Sebastian completely, his very last resolves shattering as well as he started bawling again. His knees gave in and both men had to kneel on the ground. Seb pathetically clutched onto Kimi’s sweater while Kimi held him tightly. 

Sebastian then realised he wasn’t the only one crying. Silent tears were running down Kimi’s cheeks as well and the Finn was quietly whispering to Seb, who had to strain to hear what he was saying.

“I-I’m so s-sorry Seb, so, so sorry… I just couldn’t... I-I can’t.” if possible, Kimi’s grip seemed to tighten on him. Seb didn’t know what to do besides burying his face in Kimi’s neck as he kept sobbing.

It took a long time before both drivers calmed down enough to look at each other. Seb was the first to pull back and silently looked at Kimi, who looked lost without his sunglasses and vulnerable after showing his emotions to Seb so strongly for the first time.

“Why.” Seb finally said, his voice breaking slightly. Kimi closed his eyes and drew in a shaky breath. 

“It hurt too much to see you.” Kimi mumbled, so softly that Seb had to ask him to repeat it, but after hearing it, he still wasn’t sure what to make of it. He reached for Kimi’s hand, who flinched at the touch.

“What did I do…” Seb said, distressed at seeing Kimi like this. He was still angry but it was obvious that something was very wrong with the Finn. Kimi opened his mouth to speak again, but couldn’t seem to find the right words.

“Because it reminded me...” Kimi hesitated but finally looked at Sebastian, blue eyes wide with panic and grief. “It reminded me that I could never have you.” Kimi slumped in slightly having said that and seemed defeated. 

Seb let out a breathy laugh and felt his heart swell with joy. Ever so gently, he raised Kimi’s chin so the Finn would meet his eyes. He brought his other hand up to cup a confused Kimi’s cheek. 

“You could always have me.” He whispered, before bringing his lips down on Kimi’s. Kimi responded almost instantly. The kiss was desperate and needy after both men had longed for it for such a long time. 

It was Kimi who finally pulled away, resting their foreheads together.

“I’m so sorry.” Kimi whispered and Sebastian could accept this as an apology this time.

“It’s okay, I understand.” And he did. He understood how scared and hurt Kimi must have been, because he had felt the exact same way. He tenderly wiped away the tears remaining on Kimi’s cheeks.

“God, we must look like a mess.” Kimi said with a soft chuckle. Sebastian smiled fondly at him and pulled him closer again.

“Maybe. But you’re my mess.”


End file.
